Columbo Is Better Than Murder She Wrote
Men are like grapes. We’re awesome when we’re young, and we’re awesome when we’re old and rasin-y. Women are like broken pianos. They’re 500 pounds, they sound like shit, and in order to get rid of one...
View ArticleCutting
I met a woman last night who told me about a phenomenon known as “cutting”. If you thought bulimia was pointless and stupid, you better come up with some more derogatory words for this one....
View ArticleAmerican MANdol (Idol)
I’ve never watched American Idol. I don’t eat Soy based anything for the same reason. I’m afraid of putting too much estrogen in my system. For the record, however, men are better than women at...
View ArticleMen Are Better In Bulk
Men are better than women at buying groceries and we have been since the beginning of time. Men invented gathering for the same reason. We’re better. Primitive women went out, found some vegetables...
View ArticleManservation
Protecting the environment is a lot like changing your oil or cleaning a septic tank. If a man’s not in charge, everything’s going to get covered in shit. But if a man’s not in charge, no one’s going...
View ArticleThe Manliest Joke Ever Told
Women can’t hang picture frames for shit. One time, I was watching a woman hang a picture and she completely dropped it. The whole thing shattered and got glass everywhere. Nice work, lady. Men are...
View ArticleLuck Be A Lady Tomorrow, When I Don’t Need You
Men are luckier than women. I’m not an idiot. I know that if a man flips a coin and a woman flips the same coin, they both have a 50/50 chance of getting one side or the other. Actually, men probably...
View ArticleAntidepressants Are Depressing Me
Click below to get Dick in your Ear and listen to the podcast of this article. Of all the women I know who are on antidepressants, 100% of them have told me. When it comes to women and their stupid...
View ArticleVoluntary Incompetence
Click below to get Dick in your Ear and listen to the podcast of this article. Volunteer charity work is for suckers and chumps and every woman who does it is both and then some. Men who volunteer are...
View ArticleNot On Fire? Thank A Man.
Lady firemen are scum. Not scum in the way that pedophiles are scum. And not scum in the way that Crystal Gail Mangum, who falsely accused three Duke Lacrosse players of rape, is scum. But scum in the...
View ArticleWill a Prostitute Brush Your Teeth?
Women hog everything. They’re bed hogs, they’re attention hogs, and they’re vagina hogs. Try to get a little vagina for yourself and you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Unless you’re waving a...
View ArticleA Woman’s Version of Self-Reliance
A woman with self-reliance is like a bowling ball rolling down the street. You don’t need to pay attention to it unless it’s your bowling ball or your car in the way. If either of those are true, get...
View ArticleBreaking the Law!
When I think of famous law breakers, I think of swarthiness, moxy, and above all, competence. If men were s’mores, those would be our mangredients. Jessie James, Al Capone, George Washington; each one...
View ArticleIt’s Just Coffee. Settle the Fuck Down.
I like my coffee like I like my women: cheap and brought to me by another woman. And just like women, coffee is nothing to get excited about. Coffee is like a penis. It’s a tool a man uses to get the...
View ArticleGirl Bands Are Shit
Throughout history, musical prodigies who were all men have revolutionized music, leaving exotic new tapestries of sound behind for the world to enjoy. That’s called immortality and it’s completely...
View ArticleFemale Medics Are Deadly
Every time you walk over a freeway, you make a choice not to throw batteries at the cars below. Think about it. It’s not like you’d get caught. What are they going to do? Stop on the fucking freeway...
View ArticleBachelor Parties vs. Bachelorette Bitchfests
Do you know why wedding dresses are white? So the dishwasher will match the stove. Back when women at least pretended to have class, a bachelorette party was something you might read about in a crudely...
View ArticleWomen Caused the Subprime Meltdown
This letter was sent to me from America’s Heartland. Dear Dick, I live in Nebraska where anyone with a decent job can afford to buy a house. Recently, I’m seeing a trend in the amount of women who feel...
View ArticleThere is Such a Thing as Bad Head
Welcome fellows and gentlemen to the Dick Masterson/Super Frat crossover comic event! Stay tuned all month to find out how I save the day as the world’s first Chauvinist Detective — and maybe teach the...
View Article10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym
The first thing I think when I meet a new woman is, ‘I wonder how often this broad goes to the gym.’ The answer I arrive at each time is, ‘Not enough.’ Women mostly look like wet rag dolls of flab and...
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